“I can’t feel hopeless and helpless, I have to outrun it”
All of us have different facets, aspects, or parts that guard us, protect us, direct us, and in general take care of us. They show up as thoughts, fears, emotions, colors, sounds, and behaviors. Getting to know each part can be the key to positive change and and restoring peace and trust with yourself.
In this post, I’ll explore the part of me that suppresses the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and accidently perpetuates both. If you have a part that feels something similar and you want to restore peace and move forward with your grief journey keep reading to see how to effectively work with this part.
In this series, you learn how to “meet”, get to know, and work with your parts by watching in real time as I meet each of my parts, listen to them, and stop the war with myself. I’m not a therapist or doctor and this isn’t medical advice. It’s an honest account of one person’s journey, presented in a way that might help you. This work is based on my knowledge of Internal Family systems (IFS) created by Dick Schwartz. I do not censor or edit these posts so that parts can fully express themselves without being interrupted.
Me: reading a grief workbook and crying off and on while trying to complete the exercises
ok part, I’m here, I heard you while working on the grief workbook. You are terrified of being like mom and react strongly to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. We’ve been suppressing for a long time
grief part: it is not safe to feel hopeless. Those feelings aren’t safe. We can’t. We can’t be like mom. I refuse to let that be our fate. We can do better.
Me: I’m noticing that when you feel hopeless, you tend to try and “make” us happy. But that never works, it’s always temporary. Plus we don’t have income for endless shopping trips, vacations, and going out to eat.
grief part: I’m starting to see what you mean. We’ve been running for years and it’s just not working. I’m exhausted
Me: plus, I think the workbook has a point. Suppressing or reacting and distracting ourselves isn’t helping and isn’t healthy.
grief part: I think I can be brave and face the hopelessness
Me: you don’t have to do it alone, I’ll be right here with you the entire time
I start to cry again and allow the hopelessness to come up without shame or judgment. It lasts about 60 seconds.
What do you notice?
grief part: It’s not as bad as I was thinking. I’m able to get through it and we didn’t descend into despair. We’re still here
Me: I’m noticing that too. It still hurts but I’m not getting lost.
grief part: this still feels a little wrong but I’m willing to question what I believe. Maybe I can still live a good life with all my experiences and emotions, even the painful ones. Maybe we can still be ok
Me: as long as I check in with you and give you support
grief part: that would be nice, I do tend to let the despair run away with me without your help
Me: it makes sense, of course you feel helpless, it’s normal when you are experiencing this amount of grief
grief part: yea but I get scared of never being happy again. It’s scary to feel helpless, like no matter what I do or how hard I work, it will never be good enough
Me: all of that is allowed, you are allowed to feel that way. And we can question it together and see if it’s true. I’m really going to change how I treat you. I want to be better
grief part: feels relief
Me: how are you feeling now?
grief part: well, we didn’t get rid of the hopeless/helpless but we did put some healthy boundaries and practices in place and proved that we can still be successful. One of my fears is that I’ll ruin the business by crying all the time. I can’t be present with a client if I’m bawling my eyes out.
Me: a very real and logical fear. Thank you for caring about me and trying to protect me. I really need your support. How do you feel about our ability to be present now?
grief part: we may need some practice but I feel much more confident we can move forward even when the grief and hopelessness comes up.
Me: I learned that I need to support you and let the emotion come up without distracting or suppressing and that there is nothing that is going to stop me. Is there anything else you need from me?
grief part: I think I’m ok, let’s take a break
Me: ok, thank you
ends session
Discussion
Could you relate to any part of this session? Are you surprised that I didn’t attempt to force the part to stop grieving or put down the weight it was carrying? What might have happened if I did?
What did you notice about how I talked to the grieving part? How do you usually talk to your parts?
Do you have a part with a similar desire and feeling of being trapped? What happened when you explored it? You don’t have to do this alone, I’m here to help. Click book now at the top of the screen to book a session with me or, if you feel the issue is severe, please find a licensed mental health professional to support you. If you’re reading this, please know I care about you and want you to THRIVE. You deserve that. It’s normal to need support during grief. Most of us aren’t prepared for how hard grief and loss and hit us and don’t have a safe space to talk about it. That’s why I’m here.
Much love and many blessings,
Meagan